At the end of the workday, the older more seasoned psychologist and the younger, just beginning psychologist just happened to be coming down a couple flights of stairs together. The older psychologist has a spring in his step, a twinkle in his eye and is effortlessly taking each step with vigor. The younger psychologist is dragging his behind, moping, head and shoulders down and moving slowly. The younger psychologist looks at the older psychologist with obvious wonder, and says, "Here we are at the end of the day, having heard story after story of trouble in people's lives, often big ordeals and we patiently try to be helpful, enduring their pain and suffering, and you look fresh and alive. I feel awful. How do you do it?" To wit, the older psychologist replies, "Who listens?"

(Alan)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0BfcdPKw8E

Why Teachers Drink

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.   These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs
and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure. I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

There's three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Fudd's First Corollary: If you push something hard enough, it WILL fall over.

No Nonsense Personality Inventory

Directions: For each item, answer: Like Me (L), Somewhat Like Me (S) or Not Like Me (N)

___1) I salivate at the sight of mittens.
___2) At times, I am aftraid that my toes will fall off.
___3) As an infant, I had very few hobbies.
___4) Spinach makes me feel alone.
___5) Sometimes I steal objects like medicine balls and aviaries.
___6) Sometimes I think someone is trying to take over my stomach.
___7) I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
___8) Recently, I have been getting shorter.
___9) I have always been disturbed by the size of Lincoln's ears.
___10) I often repeat myself.
___11) I often repeat myself.
___12. Most of the time, I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
___13) It makes me angry to have people bury me.
___14) Gum makes me sweat.
___15) It is hard for me to find the right thing to say when I am in a room full of squirrels.
___16) Weeping brings tears to my eyes.
___17) I believe in life after birth.
___18) I like to put chameleons on plaid-cloth.
___19) Some songs make me regurgitate.
___20) I never seem to finish whatever I

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.  When she asked me why, I replied,  "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started. 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'  'No,' she answered.   I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'  She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'  So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.   I asked her, "Do you know him?"  "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."  "My God!"  I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.  Always something more important to me.  Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.   When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.  I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.  I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels   She asked, "What's on TV?"  I said, "Dust."

My husband was hinting about what he wanted for our upcoming anniversary. He said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 2 seconds."  I bought him a bathroom scale.

My husband was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.   He was not happy with what he saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.'   I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Steven Wright's wit: